What women want…

Before you mistake this for another sexist diatribe against the female sex by a testosterone charged male, let me clarify its no such thing. To the contrary I want talk about how society is oblivious to what women want. News channels these days are filled with “human interest stories” of sex crimes, rapes, assault, domestic violence, etc. on women and children all over India. It is as if there is a sudden epidemic of perversion and sexual frustration by men India-wide. I see a lot of people on these TV channels and outside say this is due to western influence –their clothes, relationship concepts and habits. It is as if sexual crimes never existed in India before. Well what the TV channels are gladly ignoring in their project to create this “breaking news” phenomenon is that these crimes are not new events in Independent India. The perverts,the sadists, the paedophiles were always there but we as a society never acknowledged them. We protected them among lies, cover-ups and  false family honour. Every time we see some new report on a ghastly crime, we as a part of society give an appalled shocked expression, shrug it off and move on believing such things are rare events in civilized society. The real fact of the matter is the problem lies in the mindsets of society as a whole. The sad part is the crimes are not as surprising as the comments by leading political figures and officials in law enforcing agencies. These politicians and the police are supposed to be representatives of our country’s people and if they think thus by projection the country also thinks like that.What do they say?

“The woman who got raped was wearing a mini skirt, was an alcoholic and a prostitute. She tempted that rapist to rape her. She had it coming”
“ The man’s affection for the child has been misconstrued as child sexual abuse. There are no paedophiles in India. It is a western phenomenon”
“ Women should know how to dress decently in order not to get raped”
“ Women should not work in offices after dark so that they will not tempt rapists at night”
“ The western influences are ruining the culture of our country. Women should not dress in western clothes, should not drink, not use mobile phones and internet, not have male friends,……(list goes on)”

If these statements shock you then you really haven’t been reading the news lately. There are many more such banal statements being given on a daily basis.I don’t know who was asking for their explanations but nevertheless they did provide their distorted logic for public consumption. What is unfortunate is that these statements are coming from not just religious fundamentalists,policemen and politicians but from some members of the National Commission for Women. If people appointed to safeguard interests of women (who are women themselves) think like this then really women in our country have no hope. I think the actual rape has happened in the brains of these commenting people.

The ploy to put the blame of rape squarely on how women behave is an old one. They will tell you men don’t have any control over their sexual craving and its only natural that they will rape someone who will sexually arouse them. They believe that the onus is on women to avoid rape. It’s like saying that any man can become a rapist if present in the given circumstances which commonsense should tell us is not the case. Chivalry and gentlemen have not died in this world and not all men are rapists if it even needed to be said. The rapist will rape anyone without regard to looks,clothes,behaviour, age and sometimes even gender. Instead of acknowledging this problem these people will try to put morality and culture into the equation. Aside from the fact that I don’t think two hoots about the culture of our country (much less ruining it), there is no credence to the belief that it is somehow ok to rape a sex worker or a lady who drinks or a woman who wears revealing clothes. It is behind this belief that rapists, sadists and paedophiles in our country find shelter in. If society acknowledges that the crime is committed in the minds of rapists rather than due to situational happenings, only then something can be done to curb these crimes.

Women in our country should be free to wear the clothes of their choice, work in professions they want to, go to any place at any time,to eat and drink whatever is legally allowed to all citizens AND STILL NOT GET RAPED. That should be the societal standard and not primitive ideas of these dinosaurs called politicians and policemen who are probably living in a cave.

The idea that women are respected in our country is a myth. Except in certain pockets where women find a pride of place, in most places in India everyday we see women being insulted, abused and exploited. The IT boom and corporate culture has improved the stock of women in our country. We find that more girls are getting educated and making a living for themselves than the previous generations did. But societal prejudices still remain and the behind those signs of progress among women hides an ugly truth. A truth nobody is willing to acknowledge : “Society still considers women as inferior to men.” These men and women( the voices of society) who give statement after statement believe that its always the woman’s fault (even some in the NCW think so).Unless this mindset is not corrected no law will control these savages committing crimes.

The media which is supposed to be the progressive voice of our country is as regressive as can be. Recently we saw footages from a Guwahati based news channel showing images of about 20 men molesting and stripping a 17yr old girl. This episode teaches us two things. ONE: People who would seem normal are the people capable of such serious crimes. There are no signs to separate these savages from society as a whole. TWO: There are no ethics and sensitivity left in the media. While seeing the video we are also listening to the cameraman actually encouraging the molesters to go further in their ghastly crime despite futile pleas by the girl to leave her alone. The reporter of that news channel even has the gall to interview the molested victim and ask her personal details immediately after the incident. Then they broadcast it live all over India and say they actually helped identify the culprits while actually they were just creating a TRP raising story. They did not even try to help the poor girl. This is how depraved our media is. Its not just one news channel, every news channel in India broadcast it without any shame. The identity of that girl was flashed like a sign of victory thus destroying the last shreds of humanity. The govt. did one better (rather worse), they sent some elite high brow delhi socialite women who claimed to be from the NCW who conducted press conferences along with the victim. Even a molestation is treated as platform for politicians. What law will these politicians bring in when they themselves behave worse than those molesters.

This is not to say some good work is not going on. The child abuse bill and domestic violence act are some examples of good legislation. But unless the powers that be change their prejudicial stand point no law can be enforced to actually decrease such crimes.

feel free to read what western media thinks about the rapes in India:
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/10/26/rape_in_india_a_sexual_assault_spree_in_haryana_brings_out_the_crazy_in.html

Lessons learnt in Kolkata

Three years spent in Kolkata has been an experience which changed the way I looked at life. Here are few of the lessons i learnt in Kolkata.
Lesson #1: There is no clear distinction between good and bad people.
People who are good hearted are not good in every aspect and they will still do the wrong things sometimes so that it suits their situation. While they say there is something good in everyone, I found out this to be untrue. There are genuinely bad people in this world and they have no guilt nor remorse in what they do. People who do good are not necessarily rewarded and people doing bad things get away scot free despite everybody knowing it. In Kolkata i met some of the best human beings as well as some of the worst products of humanity. I met people who genuinely cared about others and others who would use people to further their own agendas. This was one of the first lessons I learnt while I was here.
Lesson #2: Integrity is the only currency in the world...without it all the money, fame and achievements count for nothing!
Integrity is the first virtue people lose when they want to get ahead at any cost. The cost? putting other people down, lobbying, flattering their superiors, scheming to achieve an advantage over their peers, losing friendships and trust in order to get ahead. I’ve seen them all during my 3 years in Kolkata.  Some of these people might even go on to tell you there is no other way to be successful in today’s world yet there are people with impeccable integrity living dignified lives even today.  We should do our job the best way it can be done and everybody else play their part. Often times others don’t play their parts but that should never lower our ideals and integrity. Our purpose in life should never be affected by the bad things other people do! If you keep your integrity(and whatever you stand for) despite all temptations and rewards to lose it, you have something to be proud of about your life! Everybody keeps a safe distance from people with integrity and will think twice before they mess with them. Not only that all your achievements have incredible value as its all yours and not dependent of somebody else’s generosity. I would like to quote Ayn Rand who is an authority on these matters.

Honesty is the recognition of the fact that the unreal is unreal and can have no value, that neither love nor fame nor cash is a value if obtained by fraud—that an attempt to gain a value by deceiving the mind of others is an act of raising your victims to a position higher than reality - 

Ayn Rand

Lesson #3: The best punishment to people you don't like is to ignore them.... you can live in peace and it drives them nuts!!!
Heh! Heh! This is a practical lesson I learnt while I was in Kolkata. With time I came to know that it is impossible to  change somebody’s view/opinion/behaviour/attitude if the concerned person does not respect you. No matter how many logical arguments you may produce to prove that what they are doing is wrong they will never move from their position. So when it comes to these people I preferred to give them the “silent treatment” which worked wonders. It drove those very people so crazy that they straightened up to doing things how i wanted them to. If they didn’t mend their ways i at least had the peace of mind since didn’t have to talk to them.
Lesson #4: Genuine interest is key to most things.If you haven't got wonder in your life you have very little else.
During my residentship i saw many residents- senior and junior who took up Ophthalmology even though they were not interested in it and took it since they did not get the subject of their choice. They were in various degrees, uninterested, critical of the subject and mostly non-working due to it.I am a moderator in an online career guidance forum for doctors and I met several people who joined ophthalmology and were regretting their choice. I took up Ophthalmology since I was interested in the subject and once I started my residency I was totally hooked. There was no looking back. For me Ophthalmology was the best subject in the world. I was initially pained that all the above people did not see it that way but slowly understood why. Ophthalmology is a tough subject to like if you are not interested. It involves learning a new set of skills quite different from what medical students are exposed to during their undergrad period. So its a paradigm shift in their learning process. Also in most medical colleges (fortunately not mine) in India they give very little surgical hands on experience to residents of Ophthalmology. This may contribute to them being frustrated but mostly it is because of lack of interest. We all have to make compromises in life at some time or the other, but I feel even when we compromise we should choose a path which we will go through till the end. Again interest is the most important thing.
Lesson #5: There are no born surgeons. The surgeon who does not work hard to improve is the bad one.
When I first started my residency my biggest fear was whether I'll be able to do surgery competently.I did not want to play with human eyes to humour myself. But surprising even myself I did turn out to be good enough. I had a good reputation among my colleagues and my teachers regarding my surgical skills. But surgery never came naturally to me or probably I was a slow learner. I did struggle to fit in initially and due to peer pressure I did go through some periods of depression. But I picked myself up and worked hard to improve myself. Reading about surgery I found out was the best way to improve your technique and minimize your complications. Watching live surgeries and videos by experienced surgeons was the second best way.  My boss was the biggest inspiration behind me. Every time I had a set back he was the one who motivated me. He said to me “If i could learn eye surgery at the age of 37 yrs, you being so young have a lot going for you”. I did improve and did quite well eventually. So every time I wanted to learn a new surgery I read extensively about it, assisted in many surgeries and watched many videos. This was the philosophy I tried to inculcate in all my juniors with varying success. A lot of people want a short cut in everything. But surgery is such a field that there are no short cuts. You have to do the long haul or not do it at all. So whenever I saw any of my juniors not willing to work hard even for their own selves it always disturbed me. But those who were willing to listen did very well. I feel a slow but careful surgeon is better than a fast, over-confident and talented surgeon. The ideal surgeon is the one who is open to constructive criticism and advice from seniors and teachers while remaining confident about oneself. He should leave his ego when operating and be sensitive that he’s operating on a human body. He should always work hard to improve his skills in every way possible yet be prudent enough to understand that complications happen in the best of hands and our goal is to minimize our complications and not to eliminate them. This was my career defining lesson.

Lesson #6: A doctor's life is tough but it's an uniquely gratifying experience! Doing good is easy if you want to do it.
My friends in other disciplines would have me think that Ophthalmology is not a satisfying branch since in most cases we are not battling to save patient’s lives. But I beg to differ because sight is as precious as life itself and saving vision of patients is as satisfying as saving lives. In fact since we see very few deaths in our practice we have happier lives. When I was doing my residency I was exposed to the abject poverty of patients in West Bengal which is much more grave than in Karnataka. It was tough for me to handle initially but gradually I learnt how to give efficient care to the appropriate patients. I learnt to listen to patients problems (not necessarily health related) to help them make the right decisions for their situations. I tried to reduce their hospital spending by effective means. I sometimes went to great lengths to convince my superiors to take timely decisions. It was a great management lesson for which I did not need to go to a B-school to learn. In the end I found that if you truly care for your patients, have empathy towards their varied problems and have respect towards them you will find a way to help them in the best possible way.
Lesson #7: Never compromise with personal relationships…friends and family.
Always stand up for people close to you despite all odds. In their time of need you should be their biggest asset. You may sometimes stand to lose your footing supporting them but in my experience it’s been worth it. When you are in trouble you’ll see how they will come for you.  I am blessed to have the most amazing friends wherever I have lived and my family has been my pillar of strength all my life. Friends and family are the most important people for you in success and in failures.
Lesson #8: Positive attitude cures a lot of bad luck!
This is my lifelong aspiration. To see the positive side of things. To believe that there are no wrong turns in life, only new roads to find. Anything that happens to us which may initially seem like bad luck may be an opportunity to do something different. There will be plenty of people who will say some things are impossible. They will discourage you from pursuing your dreams. They are all liars and are people who lack  vision. Belief in what you do is paramount, so if you believe in something never give up half way. Go the whole distance and  you'll see you were right!