Love at its rough edge

Love is an all encompassing subject.While nearly everything under the sky and above it has been described associated with love and that i do not claim to have anything dramatically new and novel the fact remains that love is one human achievement that we should be proud of.French literary legend Guy Du Maupassant said “Humans would have been just as primitive as the other animals in this world if they had not discovered love." Love offsets a lot of gruesome things we humans do.It is love which makes us essentially human after all.I have often been intrigued by this subject and that thought process has resulted in a few creative products in the form of poems.These poems which i am sharing though may seem a result of personal experience they are not necessarily so since I have taken considerable poetic liberty and of course the observations of my dear friends’ relationships to base these.These poems were written quite a long time ago as the dates will reveal but this subject continues to intrigue even now…

Lovestruck

The lips seem to quiver,
The heart pounds away,
Then you knew,you were in love.
For that's the lover's way.

Your eyes will focus on one,
And the rest will become hazy.
Rules in love don't apply,you gather,
Because your world is going crazy.

The heart wants to talk,but the lips don't move.
The mind yearns to touch, but the hands decline.
And time shall move,but you don't flinch.
And eyes did meet,but you forgot the line.

Silence speaks words sometimes,
Which we are ill-endowed to hear.
For love requires not language,
But only a lover's ear.

You begin to sing and you learn to dance,
You listen to music in a delightful trance.
You discover the different ways to laugh and smile,
To please your love,you will go an extra mile.

You remember the first touch on your hand.
You remember that first kiss.
You remember the first glance towards you.
And the first time the other did you miss.

Love is a strange being indeed,
Under its shadow,you feel your life depend.
Only one shall capture your dreams,
In whose arms, you wish your life to end.

Raghuraj S. Hegde

22nd July,2004

They kissed that night

They sat.......shivering,
The dusk set in, just as the sun.
And along with the night,came the cold,
The punishing winds with a hint of rain.
So they came closer,but both willed to.
A touch became a hug and a hug something more.
His heart was beating louder,
Her's was too.....
Their future was uncertain,
And their past unknown.
But in the present,they saw life's beauty:
There is too much suffering in this world,
And our hearts too brittle to bear.
But despite all things.....
There is still romance left in this world.
Beauty defies the ignorant eye,
Music eludes the occupied mind,
But search for true beauty in this world,
And unconditional love you shall find.
These thoughts stirred them both,
In turmoil their minds pressed,
Which turned up with feelings.....
They did not intend nor will.
And then it happened,
As they became one,
No one mattered,Not even God!
Life meant more,more than mortals can know.
How blessed humans are,
For they have love that shelters all.
How beautiful that sight was,
As they kissed that night.

Raghuraj S. Hegde

4th June, 2006

Passion is a rare thing!

Today Dr. Richard Litwin, a cornea specialist from California who is a pioneer in introducing lens implant based cataract surgery in India and Nepal came to our institution to talk about cataract surgery in developing countries especially in a historical perspective.One of the things he said was "Cataract surgery is hypnotising, so much so that the more you perform surgeries the more you feel like doing more.It comes to a point when you start wondering what will happen to you if you stop operating and will your life be the same without cataract surgery" This man is nearly 75 yrs old but the passion with which he spoke about cataract surgery was amazing.Even at this age when he spoke about cataract surgery and its various economical and technological hurdles there's was a spark in his eye and a delight in his voice.I love seeing people who are passionate about their work.I confess to a bit of nostalgia today.I saw the same kind of enthusiasm in my school chemistry teacher the late Dr. David Chatterjee Ph.D .He spoke with so much energy when he gave his chemistry lectures that I learnt an important lesson in life: If you do something passionately it is bound to touch someone and in time everyone. I loved chemistry because of Dr. Chatterjee for he showed me how beautiful the world of chemistry looked to him.It is no less a tribute to him that he invariably pops up in conversation whenever i meet my classmates during school reunions.That's how much influence he had on our psyche.I've always craved for that kind of influence and i realise that people like Dr. Chatterjee and Dr. Litwick hold their power of their passion for their work to mould our collective mindsets.I wish that in time I shall have a similar influence on people's thoughts.

Raghuraj S. Hegde

The riots of division

The Ayodhya ciders burn......

When the babri masjid demolition happened I was an eight year old kid and all that it meant to me was 2 weeks vacation from school.But now 17yrs later the ashes have been blown up with the Liberhan report.I can now truly understand the graveness of that incident.It serves little purpose now of course other than the fact that it conclusively establishes history and connects them to the appropriate culprits.But what hurts me a lot is that the people responsible for it don't have one ounce of remorse.This fact is seen quite clearly by Kalyan Singh's statement after the report that he does not repent that the Babri masjid was demolished which fueled riots all over India.He even went on to say Dec 6,1992 was a day of national pride.Well I would say Mr. Kalyan Singh that you are wrong! Dec 6th, 1992 was one of the most shameful days in Indian History post independence.

Religion is the opium of the masses said Karl Marx.I guess that's what it is because religion makes people do things without reasoning sometimes like madmen high on opium.The people cease to be human and i wonder where these people lose their humanity.The ayodya riots,the mumbai riots,the post-godhra riots and innumerable lesser known riots which though smaller in scale are just as shameful have always proved the narrow mindedness of religious fundamentalism.What saddens me is all this hostility serves no other purpose than to divide people.How does it matter whether there is a ram temple in the place where he was born or not ?(of course who can conclusively prove that ram was actually born in that very place?)and at the end of such a horrible bloodbath these very people who propagated such unbridled hatred should ask themselves whether it was even worth it.Ironically those very hypocrites who were at the forefront of such communalism are projected as heroes.LK Advani was the prime ministerial candidate in the last election.Narendra Modi won by the biggest victory margin in history immediately after the post-godhra riots.hence we need to realise that somewhere in these riots there is a strong stench of public support to such gruesome acts.These politicians play the communal card since they are targeting those very people who vote.Why did Bal Thakarey and now Raj Thakarey gain supporters?It is this narrow mindedness that's preventing us from progressing.In our country before you are called INDIAN you will be known by your state,religion,caste,whether you are SC/ST/OBC/GEN merit,your wealth and many just categories.It is in this division that politicians find refuge and create differences to suit their political ambitions.

They say Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee was innocent in the ayodya and godhra episodes.But no he can't be.You cannot call yourself the leader unless you are responsible for all the mistakes of the people whom you lead.If he chose to continue in the same party despite all this without even punishing those guilty then he is just as reproachable as any of them.He failed as a leader(during ayodya) and he failed as a prime minister(during Godhra) so he has to be responsible.we can see how things are when movies like parzania and firaaq are banned in Gujarat and the central govt has nothing to say about it.These movies show the fear that dominated those dark days when i wished i should not have had a religion.

I'm not saying that other countries don't have such problems.Even the USA have problems like race,religion and terrorism just like us.Africa also has civil war raging through most part of it but why cant we be different from these people.In other words we need to find out why we should be proud to be called Indians when we too are behaving like uncivilised beasts.

I have never been religious since the time i can remember.I realised very early in life that the biggest service you can do is to find happiness yourself and then share that happiness everywhere else.We should do good not because some GOD will punish us if we don't but we should do it so that we find joy in being ourselves.You are not in this world to burn some temple,mosque or church.you are not in this world to damage theatres,offices or monuments in the name of upholding some irrelevant falsehood called indian values.If we should show the world that Indians have values i feel we should start with tolerance.I tend to believe there should be a Higher Power or probably even a GOD but the more I see people getting killed in the name of faith the more I feel religion is the wrong choice we made.

 

This link might shed light over the grey areas of the Ayodya battlefields:

http://blogs.wsj.com/indiarealtime/2012/12/10/ayodhya-the-battle-for-indias-soul-the-complete-story/

Raghuraj S Hegde

My cataract stories

My first cataract and some.....

I got to do my first cataract surgery on 09/09/09.The date sound's like a Hollywood movie but just a fortunate coincidence.It's been nearly 2 months and my cataract surgery count stands at 12.along with that count you can add 5 eviserations,8 corneal rupture repairs,half a corneal transplant operation(penetrating keratoplasty),a dacryocystectemy and nearly 30 pterygium excisions to my credit in my surgical career.Not bad for a guy in his first 5 months resident ship.In short I'm getting everything i wanted during my resident ship as far as Ophthalmology is concerned.

Coming back to cataract surgery.for a guy observing a cataract surgery in skilled hands it seems the easiest thing in the world.even i was among those unfortunate fools until on my hands was placed a scalpel to embark on my journey to the clear up the world's vision.I had until then assisted in more than 150 surgeries done by my professors and seniors.it dint seem that difficult from an observer's point of view but i realised how difficult it was once i was in the hot seat so as to say.There's so much skill involved because your field of work is so small that any small mistake can mess up the whole surgery.My professor says "there is no middle ground in cataract surgery,you either have a very good surgery or an extremely bad

one.The margin for error is so small."The eyeball weighs a mere 7gms. with a volume of 6.5ml and a circumference of 75mm.So any surgery involving such a small area requires the dexterity of professional cellist.I have had in this short time the privilege of working under some of the best cataract surgeons who are so good at what they do.I love working with such people who are driven by their work and are passionate about whatever they do.I feel my skill is increasing everyday with every surgery and i feel I'm on the right track towards the thousands of surgeries I'll be doing in the future.I'm doing my fair share of mistakes and hopefully learning from them.I have realised the professional satisfaction a surgeon gets out of his work.I'm getting all this now and more.I know now more than anything that I took the right decision when i chose Ophthalmology as my career choice.

I see how touchy people are about sight and rightfully so since it's our window to the world.A man may limp for a while,live with pain for a few days or even cough up a storm before he sees a doctor but once even a little of his vision gets affected he's so anxious to see an Ophthalmologist that he's get there as promptly as he can.that's how granted people take their vision.Imagine living without seeing and you'll realise what I'm talking about.And now in these professional times the patients are very difficult to satisfy.The area of retinal surgery suffers from this unfortunate tendency.Though cataract and corneal surgery offers much more in terms of patient and doctor satisfaction still patients have become more demanding as technology and surgical skill is improving by the day and even as I speak.Now people aged in their 60s and 70s expect to see and read clearly without having to use their glasses after their cataract surgeries and I'm happy to see that surgeons are rising to the occasion to provide exactly that.Of course everything comes at a price but then cost and professionalism go hand in hand.Occuloplasty is another new field where professional and patient satisfaction is quite good.I'm getting more interested in Occuloplasty with every passing day.

I'm saddened to see the state of corneal transplantation in India.The hospital I work is one of the foremost institutes for corneal transplantation in eastern India and yet I see so many people waiting for months and years on end for an elusive cornea.The unfortunate fact is there's such a serious shortage of donor corneas that something needs to be done to find an alternative to cadaver cornea donation.Maybe a synthetic physiological cornea or cornea production via stem cells should be a thing of reality soon.The reason behind such dismal rate of corneal donation are many but prime among them is superstition that if the eyes are removed on death the person will be born blind in the next birth and due to emotional reasons of family members.They are much better off burning the dead bodies along with their precious corneas rather than have them donated to someone in desperate need.And people will be surprised to know that its not necessarily the uneducated village folk that make up the above large group of people but some of the highly educated families including some doctors that are included in them.

As to my life in Kolkata until now I must admit that I have adjusted quite well to a completely new city.Though food continues to be a problem I have tried to offset it with some good sweets and a safe choice of items I have for breakfast,lunch and dinner.It helps of course that I'm a non-vegetarian for it would be hell for a vegetarian to live in Kolkata especially if he doesn't have family with him..The durga puja during the end of September was something I'll always cherish.I had never previously seen something quite like it.nearly everybody living in Kolkata and all around it and far off from Kolkata

was on the streets celebrating and the whole of Kolkata was looking like one huge art museum.The pandals in various places were a sight to watch and a few of them I couldn't even believe that they are temporary structures.You have to give it to the Bengalis that they have such an enormous amount of talent on display and its no secret that they have a flair for art and are absolute connoisseurs of it.I have resolved that I'll never miss another durga puja as long as I'm in Kolkata.I took some splendid photographs of the the whole event but even those photos didn't do justice to the grandeur of the event.Everybody during that festive season was in a festive mood and even i had a ball of a time during those days.

I guess I'm having the best period of my life right now.I couldn't have asked for more than this even about a year ago when i was studying and was quite desperate to get a postgraduate seat.I'm glad that everything worked out so well that I couldn't have planned it out so well if I had the chance to do so.I'm happy most of the time more so since I'm earning a decent monthly stipend so I can be financially independent.It's a good feeling really to spend your own money and I have realised that you tend to be more careful about spending your own money.My first acquisition with my own money was a digital camera which i had been dreaming to buy since the last 3 yrs.I bought the Sony cybershot DSC-H20.It cost me a whopping 17 grand but well worth it when I see the photographs.

so until i have something new to tell the world.ciao.

Raghuraj Hegde

A rather long story

My first update of my post-graduate life....

                                                                I landed in Kolkata on 16th of June,2009 to start my course in MS Ophthalmology in Regional Institute of Ophthamology(RIO),Kolkata.I landed a few days earlier than the scheduled start of the academic session to acclimatise myself to kolkata and also to find myself a rented apartment before my course starts.The first few days were terrible with temperatures touching 43 deg C.i seriously felt like running back at that time me being used to the more comfortable temperatures of Bangalore and Mysore.But the weather cooled down a bit due to the rains but the humidity remains the same since that time.Here are a few of the things i thought fit to talk about.I'm sorry if i have indulged into too much details but for the better or for the worse here it is.

                           I started house hunting and due to the excellent contacts of few of my relatives I found a nice little apartment of 2 bedrooms,attached bathroom and toilet and with a kitchen.Also luckily for me I got two of my colleagues from the medical college as my house-mates.It was also within our budget.The apartment is in Kalighat very near to the famous Kali temple of Kolkata.Its one of the more cleaner and better places of Kolkata.All necessary amenities are available in the neighbourhood although a wee bit expensive when it comes to food and shopping.It is only 15min travel time from my doorstep to the RIO thanks largely to the excellent Metro rail service here in Kolkata.The furnishings of this small little house has already cost me a bomb and my dad poorer by several thousands.Fortunately I hope this is the last of the numerous expenditures and I'll in all probability start getting my stipend from next month onwards making both me and my dad a little more comfortable.Still there are some loose ends to settle which should iron out in the next couple of months..

                     As regards to my Institute,it is one of the most premier institutes in India in the field of Ophthalmology.It is easily among the top 5 institutes for Ophthalmology in India.It has got the latest equipments including good operating microscopes,YAG lasers,DFA retinal cameras,automated perimetry,automated refaction,Ultrasound machines with biometery,inumerable slit lamps and also the OCT which is a new technology in the field of Ophthalmology.Most instruments(bout 80%) are from the company Carl Zeiss(they are the best).Clinically speaking amazing case load of 300-400 patients a day.I'm posted in the anterior segment,glaucoma and occuloplasty unit.Also fortunately it is also the head of the department's unit.So a typical week consists of one glaucoma/occuloplasty clinic day,2 OPD days,2 major OT days and one minor OT day.daily work timings are 8am to 6pm.I have one 30hr duty per week.But the best part is i'm free on 3 sundays out of 4 in a month.on that one sunday i have to do a 12hr shift at night along with the next day's work.Surgerywise too its excellent.on the two OT days we do 30-80 cataracts per day and that adds up to about 80-120 catatacts per week in my unit alone.also other surgeries like DCR,DCT,tarsoraphy,enucleation,evisceration,socket reconstruction and many smaller procedures are done regularly in the minor OT days.Though for the next one and a half yrs or so i wont be exposed so much into retina and squint surgeries i'm sure the next one and a half yrs are enough to make up for it.

                        As regards to working conditions it's been very pleasing to work in the RIO this last one month.all the senior pgs and the senior staff have been extremely supportive.Infact i get the feeling that i'm their collegue rather than their inferior in rank.they keep cracking jokes all the time having me in splits often so really having fun here.work is hectic considering the speciality is Ophthalmology which is relatively less busy than other surgical branches but seeing how some of my friends are working in surgical departments elsewhere in the country i should consider myself lucky.I atleast get enough time to grab a good night's sleep on most days unless i'm on emergency duty.I also get most of the sundays off which is a huge plus.the biggest thing suffering is my studies because i come back tired and i'm in no mood to study.though seniors says even they faced this problem during 1st yr and that the studies will improve in 2nd yr.but i dont want to wait until next yr to start studying and want to buck up on that front.also i'm facing a major problem regarding the language Bengali.It's absolutely essential to be conversant in Bengali since most patients dont know hindi and even case discussions in the wards and OPDs happen in Bengali.I cant understand how obstinate ppl are  here against learning the national language and also i wonder how they invented a Bengali term for Tarsoraphy:-).

                       The people here are impressive especially since they seem to be extremely clever and talented.what with half of bollywood and the likes of Amartya Sen,B C Roy,Sushmita Sen,Satyajit Ray,Rabindranath Tagore,Kishore Kumar,Leander Paes,Mahasweta Devi to name a few who hail from West Bengal.they are extremely talkative and use 10 words when they could use only two.they are also extremely stingy and dont spend enough to live keeping with their earning status with even the middle class resorting to dirty food on the steets.Oh and the food.too much potatoes,no vegetables,too much meat and too much sugar sums up the typically varietyless cuisine.they only have bread omlettle and poori-aloo to show as breakfast items.i'm having trouble with the food but a small sacrifice for all the good things i'm getting in return.but yes the sweet department is top notch.the rosagullas,sandesh,theer kadams are mouthwateringly delicious.The city is fine.it isnt as expensive as Bangalore,Chennai,Delhi and Mumbai.food prices are very reasonable.not much night life atleast my schedule doesnt permit me to explore anything as of now.the left govt which has run Bengal since 43yrs arent doing that well.a lot of strikes which start for really silly reasons and which i think is pretty shameful.the city especially central kolkata is filthy as hell.cant imagine these people live in such filth.the lower middle class and the illiterate make up 70% of the city which of course is responsible for the dirty neighbourhoods especially due to the street side food which is quite popular.

                       So here it is my rather detailed report of my first month in Kolkata.until i update again.ciao.

Raghuraj Hegde

Why Ophthalmology?

                       Yes! It's the study and treatment of disorders and diseases of the eye.People keep asking me why I took up such a speciality.In the medical fraternity Ophthalmology is not such a 'from the heart' specialitity for many doctors.Of course its not cardiology,nephrology or neurology and I dont pretend it to be but I do not like it when people question my motives for choosing it.They keep saying there's lot of money in it hence it is a good choice.Maybe there is but it can't be my reason for choosing it.Money has ceased to be my driving point in life 7 years back when I took up the medical profession.For the good or for the the bad.

                       Eversince I was a little kid I wanted to be part of something different.It is not something stange for a 10 year old but for me it has been my lifetime passion.Over the years that passion has manifested into me being  a part of a miracle.I have wrangled over it a lot of times and to me there are just a few things that qualify to that category.The magic of the story of birth or the the magic of sight or the magic of a new life! I had decided long back that I wanted to be a part of either of the three.It's the closest to being different for me.I had visualised myself as being a Obstretician, a Pediatrician, an Orthopaedician,a Cosmetogolist or an Ophthalmologist at different times of my under graduation.For me the charm of being a doctor was all this.This is the reason why I took up the medical profession as my life's calling when I had to choose.Not for me the the glamour of surgery or medicine as nearly every doctor I know has it.It was never Cardiology,Neurosurgery,Nephrology or what ever else that might be.I'm sure there's a lot of self satisfaction in any of the above mentioned specialities but it has never appealed to me because i believe i'm different and deserve to be so.

                       My internship after my undergrad has been a baptism by fire at the risk of sounding cliched.I found out so many things that i could be and couldn't be.I had narrowed down to Pediatrics or Ophthalmology as something that I should be pursuing as my first choice.As luck would have it I was in a position to choose and i'm glad I was able to make a great decision.I have finally chosen Ophthalmology as my path further.

                     That apart i've seen my dad who's a physician slog out the hours where he worked for 365 days a year and he could never make it to most of the weddings,get togethers,picnics or my school functions or any sort of break from work.Even then my dad was lucky that he could at least come home in time for lunch and dinner.I've seen doctors who literally live in hospitals and OT's.Over a period of time all that stress will get to you.I wanted to be a doctor and I did but I didn't sign up to give up my normal life.I am not ready to sacrifice all my life to medicine.Of course for people like that there are other avenues like non-clinical branches of specialisation and academics which are getting much more lucrative these days and all that at no stress on your hours.But the reason i took up the medical profession was not because of the money or even the illusion of an easy life.I took it because I wanted to treat patients.After a lot thought I felt Ophthalmology offered me the best of both worlds.Ophthalmology is a very interesting subject and new things are always popping up.The added plus is I have an ardent interest in technology which is indispensible in modern day Ophthalmology.Maybe I wont be saving a lot of lives but at least I'll have the satisfaction of restoring the sight of many people and a life with new vision is a new life after all.I'll gladly settle for it if it gives me the time to pursue my other loves in life like reading,travel,my poetry,parties,family or plain free time for myself.I'm too multi-dimensional to restrict myself only to hospitals.                      

                       The miracle of sight has often been understated.It is as if we take sight for granted.We realise the importance of sight when we are at the risk of losing it.I'm excited as hell being a part of restoring that primitive confidence.There couldn't be a greater reason for me to take it up.On the other side I would also like to make healthcare a professional endeavor where you would get the best possible facility for your health needs rather than worry about quality and cost.But that's a long term goal.

                       There you have it.A reasoning to my madness if you like it.I have achieved a difference in a field prone to generalisations.Not everybody is there in this profession for the same reasons.It has to be different otherwise it would be just as dull as the the stock market(duh!).....:-) 

18th June,2009                                                                                                       Raghuraj S. Hegde

Did someone talk about equality?

I have often felt discriminated in my own country.All the more when i was preparing for competitive exams.The quotas underline the fact that not every Indian is treated equally.You can be absolutely hopeless and still gain big things in life if only you belong to the sc/st/obc.My All India rank is 1358.Just imagine how I would feel when my classmate with rank 13,000 gets a better seat because he's an ST(and he's not poor).The General Merit is the most disadvantaged class in India because the system tries very hard to suppress this class.India will never become a superpower as long as the they disadvantage the most talented people in India(read general merit).This is a curse Dr. Ambetkar bought on India.If Dr. Ambetkar was alive today he would have been saddened by such vote bank politics that govern today's quotas and would have regreted this move.Even he couldnt have tolerated this inequality the other way round.Its difficult to be a patriot if my country treats people of merit this way.This poem is dedicated to this cause.

                  Divided Identity

I am an Indian they say.

There in lies a terrible lie.

Before I'm an Indian, my thousand identities surface.

Those identities cast my indianness aside.

Hindu? Muslim? Christian? Sikh?

Caste. Sub caste. Minor- sub caste.

Minority. Subordinated. Backward?

Minster's kin. Father's purse. Royal Blood.

The Indian that I want to be known as

Is lost among these many divisions I'm defined by.

My own country refuses to see me as an equal to another.

My IDENTITY decides the privilege I inherit.

The Indian that I should have been

Is the toy of the many vote banks and political upheavals.

They dangle a carrot every so often at this Indian.

And some donkey nearly always bites it.

Quota. Reservation. Promotions out of turn.

Merit trampled. Dreams squashed. Incompetent rewarded.

But again we are told this facile lie.

Its somehow supposed to restore equality.

When your system divides the society thus.

When your country treats it's countrymen with different measures.

Oh what irony you hypocrites!

You now want a white man to treat you as equals?

My anger is divided

And my many fears divided too.

As many as the names of my identities.

I cannot suffer to love this divided India ever.

I hope to see the day this Indian will rise above such trivialities.

Emboldened by the courage of the day.

Would bring in a time when an Indian would be Indian by himself

And not stained by the colours of identity.

21st April,2009                                                  Raghuraj S. Hegde

Success beyond failures

I often write poems to raise my spirits.Its my way of dealing with my setbacks and failures.Whenever I feel low I read some of my poems to find solace.I'm a man who is able to inspire myself through my own words.Though I consider myself lucky to  have had more good times than bad I've had my own share of failures.The following three poems were written at such junctures where I needed myself to find words to inspire myself.

  

                                        Gifted

                                     

 'tis nice to be gifted,

All sound and hard,

Where hard work is,

But a distant gaurd.

The world applauds the 'Gifted Being',

Onto him the lifted praise.

Common mortals give just that,

But I choose not to join the race.

The sky may seem a distant place,

For a boy so plain as I.

But there will come a dawn indeed,

When people will say "OH! MY"

The Gifted has not hardwork seen,

Life to him a play,

But I have the reins to mine,

I will better him someday.

        

                              -Raghuraj S. Hegde

2001

                               Spirit

Mine is that inconquerable spirit,

That lives through life and death.

Ambition to suceed so great,

It lives in my every breath

There are times in your life,

When the world's against you.

Don't lose hope on it,

For there's a whole world to conquer too.

You have fallen from your crest,

For them may seem abeit,

For I have flown ahead,

I have learnt a deal.

Failure is not a hurdle last,

But setback with steps ahead.

For a winner in me i search.

I will not be of loser's kind.

The world I seek to change,

For the better i deem to say.

The greatness lies within,

My spirit reigns supreme.

                                           -Raghuraj S. Hegde

2000

                           Successful Failure

Do not stop when you achieve something,

For there is always greater things to achieve,

There is always greater heights to reach,

And to do better than you have already.

Never stop when you fail at something,

For greater resolve accompanies your next goal.

For the world expects nothing of you

And success tastes sweeter for an underdog.

People succeed,though undeserving.

People fail,despite best efforts.

But let that not deter a honest endeavour,

For success is but failure refined.

                                        Raghuraj S. Hegde

1st february,2005

Prayer to destiny

Destiny struck on 2/15!!!

       We forever live in the fear that life shall pass us by and that we may have no future to redeem ourselves but though time does not stall for a moment's notice our time does not start until we begin it.

      I surprise myself sometimes as to how a perfectly rational man like me believes in destiny. But really I have no other explanation for so many crucial incidences in my life to put it down to plain chance. The past one yr has been tough, probably the hardest in my whole life and its no exaggeration. There has been a lot of introspection, frustration and some good measure of desperation in the last one year. I would say now in hindsight that its made me a better man but it wasn’t a peach living it. 

      But where does destiny come into the picture? I’ll tell you….my all India PG entrance was an exam I wrote with almost zero pressure because I had given up all hope by that time. I felt I had not prepared well enough. While I wrote it I felt more and more confident and by the time I finished I was thinking I might have just cracked it. But my confidence before and after the exam had nose-dived  to such an extent that I refused to believe my gut feeling. I went on with that same pessimism and it cost me. I did well in my state exams but not well enough because there’s little margin for error in these ruthless exams. I was looking down the barrel when it happened!! All India PG results were out and I had in fact cracked it and  it was not bad either. This was among a lot of things I put down to destiny.

       A lot many years ago when I wrote my entrances for undergraduate degree I was gunning for an Engg. Course and I wrote the Biology paper just as a means of shading practice and  used whatever little I had studied to clear my boards in bio. I did extremely well in physics chemistry and mathematics. But as my destiny would have it my peers were to perform so badly in physics  that my medical rank shot up to enviable levels. Yes I did get a good rank in engineering and I could have come out of top drawer college. But as I said destiny struck and I had my choice served on a platter.

         Fast forward about a year and a half,. I had passed my first year. I had started playing football full time after college and trying desperately to get into the  college team. There was a lot of competition. Though  I worked hard I knew it would be hard to make the grade as there were many seniors waiting. But I played  my heart out on the day of final selection. I played like never before and was so proud of myself. But the captain walked up to me and said I failed to make it to the team and a senior has made it in my place. I was depressed that night but when I saw the team list next afternoon my name was on the list. Pure providence would be the only word that can describe it.

        Go a couple more years ahead. I was giving my clinical knowledge assessment for my finals in otorhinolaringology(E.N.T. if you are not from my world) and we got a horrible external examiner who I would describe as a sadist. He really got the kicks asking weird questions and failing candidates when his mood got stiff.  To worsen matters the internal examiner wasn’t helping matters either. And I guess I caught them at the wrong moment because starting with my number they failed six candidates in a row.I answered all their questions correctly and accurately but the examiners were hostile and prejudiced and seeing my face they had already made up their mind. They  gave me 36 on 80. A fail mark because I was still 4 marks short of the 50pc pass mark. But….but….again destiny had already struck. In my internal clinical assessment the head of the dept impressed with me being in the football team had given me a 14 on 20 while most of my class got 12 on 20. Both scores added up to 50 on 100 and I cleared by the skin of my teeth. If I had failed that exam despite me answering so well and because they didn’t like my face, that really would have broken me and maybe I wouldn’t have been the same again.

          At this point I remember a Saurav Ganguly  interview after he retired from international cricket. The interviewer asked him which was his most favourite century? He replied that it was his “first century at Lords on debut. If I hadn’t scored that day I wouldn’t be standing in front of you today”. It so parallels what happened in my life. If destiny hadn’t struck on that entrance exam I wouldn’t have taken medical. If I hadn’t made it to the football team that day I wouldn’t have passed my 3rd year. And if I hadn’t passed 3rd year I probably wouldn’t be the same guy again.

           We all tend to put life as a series of choices waiting to be made. I have no reason to suggest otherwise but its really strange that so many things in my life has just hit me at the right moments. Today the same thing has happened. I’ve cracked the most competitive exam in the world. Nearly 1.5 lakh people writing this entrance exam for just over 2000 seats with infighting over choice of speciality. What were the odds? Its not to say I put it down to luck. I’ve worked extremely hard the last one year clocking on an average 10hrs a day of study but my point is it clicked. I’m sure there are people who have studied more than me, people who were much more brilliant than me and were much better prepared than me but still did not make it. It is just that it was my destiny that I would crack it this year and others will have to wait for their holy grail.

         Even so its so easy to be dissatisfied with oneself. I could point to at least ten blatant mistakes that I made in that All India pg exam. Maybe that ten extra marks would have propelled me to the top 500 bracket but it was meant to be that I ended up on rank 1358 and I have no disputes with that. That rank has decided which course my life will take from here on in. I’ll still work hard like I have always done but with the belief that life is on my side of the park. Go get em!